Is God Against Me?

     I sit on my bed, wondering what I did to deserve this. This…this torture. Does He take pleasure in it? Why does God, the one who is supposed to love me more than anyone else, put me through such crap?

     

     As I lay there, pondering these questions that never seem to escape me, I feel the first tear of many begin to make its way down my cheek. I see it flow with the gravitational pull, and watch in horror as it hits my baby blue pillow. What am I to do but sit and watch as my life spirals out of my control? I ask God what to do, hoping that He might give me some sort of good answer, and He gives me the complete opposite.

     

     They always talk about it in Sunday school and whatnot. All of my pastors and teachers have warned me, tried to prepare me. But no matter how many times you inform someone, they will never truly understand until they experience it for themselves.

“God does not always answer prayers the way that we want Him to, but He always answers them the way that we need Him to.”

Countless.

     

     Countless times I have heard that phrase, or one like it. Countless times have I told myself that I would follow God into the ends of the earth, no matter which direction He takes me. If it be the hard path, let it be. If it be the easy path, thank You for Your mercies.

Where are my mercies?!

They said that You don’t always answer prayers the way that we want You to, but it seems like You never do!

What am I supposed to do?

Pray, pray, pray, but only end up feeling defeated?

     

     I thought that You were supposed to be my Saviour, my Rock, my Redeemer, my Everything! Why does it sometimes seem like You’re my enemy? Is this my punishment from past sins, the hard path? I have let it be every time, where are my mercies?!

“Are You against me?”

     

     I somewhat recall a phrase I once heard my friend say to me, “God puts His strongest soldiers through rough trials, so that He can make them stronger and that He might receive the glory for a miraculous event.” Why?

     I am NOT Your strongest soldier. Pick someone else, please! Why must I bear this burden time and time again of whether or not to obey You or live in sin? Why must it be so difficult? I know what I must do, but why can’t you make it just a bit easier on my weary soul?

     I prayed that You would show me what to do, and You did, but it hurt me terribly in the process. I came to You once again and prayed for weeks for an answer, but You decided to mix it up a bit.

You made me choose.

All I wanted was an answer. Straight forward, no twists and turns.

When will You give me a break?!

*Sigh*

But here’s the deal.

     For so long I have asked these questions, over and over again, searching for some form of answer. But as I contemplate my own questions and doubts, I begin to see that I knew the answer to all of my questions from the very start. I was just in so much denial, and I was so blinded by hate and anger to see it. What I needed was a big punch to face, and that was exactly what I got.

God doesn’t put His strongest soldiers through rough trials, He puts His weak ones. He tests us, pushes us, and now I know why.

He wants us to come to a point of such need and desperation, that all that we can do is fall on our faces and give it all to Him.

He is a jealous God.

     Don’t be angry at God. He is simply doing what is best for you. You just don’t know it yet. I have been through the same thing. I have had my points in time when I was so angered by God that I was on the brink of hating Him. Just the thought of it; I almost hated my Creator and Saviour.

It brings me to tears.

Don’t be so blinded by sin and worldly desires that you get to that point.

Trust.

Faith.

I know it’s hard. But believe me, it will all work out in the end.

     Because I listened to God the first time, I am right where He wants me to be. The process of getting there was not all rainbows and butterflies, but the ending conclusion was.

Trust.

Have faith.

That is all He wants from you. Don’t hate Him for that.